can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
