her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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