she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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