just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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