just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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