I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
