Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
