i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
