Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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