so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
