I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
