Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
