If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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