I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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