o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
pop tarts are not kleenex
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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