Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk is not a location!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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