I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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