life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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