Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize