____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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