...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
