She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
