I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
