he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
