I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
