I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
