all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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