my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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