My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
