If that was your dad, he is hot
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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