I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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