when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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