I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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