You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
is that a dick in a sweater?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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