i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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