You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
