please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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