i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
