I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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