Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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