I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
