You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
