You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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