Old men and throwing up are my life now.
handjob tips. give me some.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
