my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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