My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
