Just fell off a train. Bad.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Never underestimate the power of titties
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
