I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
