I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
