I will die if light touches me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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