my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
