...so i touched it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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