The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
