who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
