Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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