Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
