Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
