My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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