pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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