my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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