apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
