if you like me you must not know who I am
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
