i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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