She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
