she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
