matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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