hotel room ftw
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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