if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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