I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
