On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
